The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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