bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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