Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
