omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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