I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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