There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize