Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
