Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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