She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
