im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize