if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
