Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
