i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
