But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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