Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
