Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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