you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
this boner is exhausting
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just googled if crying burns calories
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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