I'm eating all of the evidence.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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