before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
