is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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