Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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