I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
