I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
