What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
