Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
