I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
