my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
