Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize