she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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