so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Holy sore nipples Batman
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