guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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