so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
