I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize