He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
