I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
