u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
