final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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