The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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