i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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