Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
