bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
