She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
