Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
