So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
