In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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