I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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