Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
