her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
