i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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