We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Houston, we have a squirter
This is the high leading the old right now
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
