i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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