We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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