i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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