I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
