Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
