I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize