im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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