I accidentally burped into my bong.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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