Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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