The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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