i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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