Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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