And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
