i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize