I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There r osticjed everywhere
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
