I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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