It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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